Fierce worrier

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We all have a vision of ourselves – our strengths and characteristics. I think of myself as  optimistic, resilient and pragmatic.  I’ve also admitted to myself that I’m a fierce worrier. Always have been. I can agonise for hours over the tiniest and most unlikely thing, tying myself in knots and getting  into a state over things that ultimately don’t come to pass.

And my worrying has only become worse since my daughter was born 10 months ago. It has become a constant presence, I’ve worried about her eating, her sleeping, her breathing and practically everything in between. The first time she rolled over in her sleep I woke her up checking she was still breathing, and then had to spend the next two hours getting her back to sleep. Not my finest mummy moment.

But a few weeks ago I had my first experience of true anxiety.  A few small things escalated in combination in my mind and I tumbled down a rabbit hole of fear, worry and doubt.

It was the first time we were leaving our daughter with a babysitter for bath time and bedtime.

She was being looked after by her uncle and his girlfriend so was in good hands – they even came over for a practice run in the lead up –  but I just couldn’t relax about it. Did they really understand you couldn’t leave her even for a moment in the bath – perhaps they should skip bath time, were they going to be able to get her to sleep – perhaps we should get her down and go late to the wedding.

Our daughter had an episode of waking up and vomiting in the night earlier in the week – it was reflux and easily remedied but it hadn’t happened before and just added to my concerns.

I was nearly beside myself when we left, most concerned about getting her safely through bath time and demanding updates as proof. When we got off the tube at the other end and there was no further update after bath time I was at panic stations. I had to give my phone to my husband to hold so I couldn’t keep messaging them and interrupting a perfectly smooth bed time routine.
Once I got the update that she was asleep and fine I did manage to relax for a little while, and had a good time – there is even video footage of me doing the caterpillar/worm on the dance floor!

But it never truly left my mind and we headed home at 11pm.

I had  felt so sure the anxiety stemmed from the evening out and associated babysitting so I was taken by surprise when the next day, in full charge of my daughter, no hangover and no commitments for the day, I was full of debilitating anxiety again.

Thankfully it went away the day after that but I know my worrying days are far from over. I’ve always prided myself on my resilience so this is new and uncomfortable. I really feel for people who contend with it every day. Hopefully it will not become my new normal but I’m thinking about management strategies so I’m ready if it does return in force. And just maybe these strategies will help with the general worrying too.